Mascara!

This past weekend C and I went to dinner and then a movie. While we waited for the movie to start we walked around K-Mart. 

She proceeded to by all of K-Mart, but since I've put myself on a strict budget, I only bought mascara. 

I love mascara though. It's perhaps my most favorite make-up product. I. Love. It. I especially love the waterproof kind so I don't have to reapply everyday, but the problem with that is that my lashes then stick together and get clumpy. 

Well, I saw that Maybelline came out with a new mascara and this is very exciting so I just had to try it. 

I have to say that I absolutely recommend it. I love it. After two coats it looks like I have fake lashes on. I'm really impressed by how easy it washes off too. Granted, it might be that I'm used to the waterproof kind that needs baby oil to budge, but this stuff rinses right off with some soap and water. Because you know how when you wash off some mascara it still leaves you with raccoon eyes? Yeah, not this one!

So, that's all. It's love. 

Edward Scissorhands

I love the part of this movie in the beginning when she puts him to sleep in a waterbed. Seriously. lmao. 

I'm only half-retarded

As I'm leaving work this evening, I'm digging in my purse for my keys. And it's raining. And I'm digging, and digging and digging and it's raining. And I start to freak. Where are my keys, where are my keys. Did I leave them in the office? Did I even take them out to leave them there? Maybe I never put them in my purse and just set them on the desk. Wouldn't I have seen them and put them away? Well, it's raining, let me get in the car and empty my purse, they have to been in there. (I hardly lock the car door.. I probably should start after posting this, just. in. case.)

I get in and there are my keys, sitting quietly and peacefully on the passenger seat. Did I mention I don't lock my car door?

Yeah. My point exactly.

Free Samples

I love them. I sign up for free samples of everything in the whole wide world. Stuff that I'm never going to use or even thought about using, but because I can get a little mini version for free, I sign up! It's like getting mini presents in the mail almost every single day! So incase you too would love to have it be your birthday everyday you should check out this site

Free Grabber

That's the best one I've found so far. But, if you know of any other terrific ones, please share! Then it could not only be my birthday, but Christmas everyday as well!

But, almost doesn't count.

As I was driving to work this morning, I was listening to Taylor Swift. I downloaded her self-titled album the other day because I really love a couple of songs and she really has a beautiful voice when you listen to it, but after really listening to these lyrics, I just wanted to cry.

"Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?
Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart,now?
Why would you wanna make the very first scar?
Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?"

I just don't understand this whole thing with Golfpro and how I can love someone this much and it means nothing. I know that sometimes love is not enough, but when is it finally going to be enough? 

I prayed the rest of the way to work. I have to put it in someone else's hands because I can't handle it myself and I know that He will take care of it as He's suppose to. It will all work out the way it should. I honestly believe that He has a wonderful plan for me and I just need to have faith. Some times when it's the hardest to keep the faith is when you need to have faith the most.

I didn't cry though. And not that I think there is anything wrong with crying, but I just don't want to. If by all means you want to cry, please do. I know that I will soon. I've put off dealing with this long enough and I know it's building and will be coming to head, regardless of how much I do pray. My heart does hurt, it is broken and I miss him so much, everyday. It's like this.. or it was, I guess... 

"And I don't try to hide my tears.
The secrets or my deepest fears.
Through it all nobody gets me like you do.
And you know everything about me.
You say you can't live without me.

When I'm with anybody else it's so hard to be myself.
Only you can tell.

That I'm only up when you're not down.
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground.
It's like no matter what I do.
Well you drive me crazy half the time;
the other half I'm only trying to let you know that what I feel is true.
And I'm only me
Who I wanna be
Well, I'm only me when I'm with you"

And I feel so lost and so not myself without him. I always have, but this time it's so much worse because I felt things this time around that I hadn't before. I really truly believed that I figured it out this time.. but I guess he didn't. I'm hanging in there though and I know part of this is PMS and I'll be fine by the end of the week. But, damn!

I didn't sleep well last night either. I just keep coughing all night long, every night. And last night was no different, it just didn't quit, no matter how many times I used my inhaler. So, tonight I took a lot of my narcotic prescription cough syrup. I have quite a bit left over from my respiratory infection back in March. This is heavy duty stuff, like wicked heavy. And I didn't measure it out. Oh, no. I took a swig. A swig! And I can definitely feel myself getting dizzy and seeing double. It feels so great, it feels like wonderful sleep. I'm going to sleep well tonight and even if I cough all night, I'll never know it and that's just fine by me! What's even better is that I'm off tomorrow too! I can enjoy it even more! YES!

Zip, Zilch, Nada, Nothing, Nope.

Golfpro and I haven't spoken. Still. I've really wanted to cry a couple times, but I've been keeping it together. We've done this so many times, I know I shouldn't care, but what I felt this time was completely different then all the other times, well, for me it was anyways. I think I can fairly say not so much for him. Well, atleast he'll be forced to think of me whenever he plays golf. 

I've found however that the best way to heal your heart is to just get back on the horse. I know that some people need a lot of time, but for me, I need to know that they're are other fish in the sea. That even though I'm hurting, this probably won't be my last breakup. 

So, I got back on the horse last night and had me a little date. It was the worst date ever. Well, that's not exactly true. He's a wonderful guy, a complete gentleman, but unfortunately for the both of us, I feel more for my cat then I do for him. Absolutely zero chemistry. Zero. We met at the Outback Steakhouse and I was hoping it would go well and we'd have dinner, but I told him I wasn't hungry so that it wouldn't last any longer then it had to. 

I was honest though, I told him I just wasn't feeling the chemistry that I needed to. And I felt really good in doing that. Not because I hurt his feelings, but because I was just really honest and I felt proud of myself, like I was growing up a little bit, being more mature about things. 

I wish him the best and hopefully because I left things good, karma will be good to me. I could use a really good date. 

Orange had to go!

Yeah, I could only do the orange for so long. I don't actually look at my blog very often, just come here, post and go on to whatever else, but every time I did I was like.. yeah.... no. I think I'll stick with white layouts from here on out. So hope you like the new layout, I thought it was pretty and simple. :) I wish I had taken a screen shot on the orange one to remember it though.. I'll get this one! 

John Mayer

He is seriously love. And, I totally love the fact that he shaves his arms. I bet you never noticed that, but I bet you will now. Smoooth. Always. That just makes him a thousand times sexier to me. As if it was even possible. /drool.

Swedish Fish Version Aqua Life

A few weeks ago C and I were leaving the beach and we stopped at the gas station we always stop at and she bought some Swedish Fish. I had a couple, but the whole time I was eating them I just kept wishing they were in other flavors besides Cherry. Not that I don't like cherry, but I want to switch it up!

Then today as I was walking through Rite-Aid getting some ice cream (Cookies and Cream!) and I found this:




Oh my. Soo good! Especially the orange Sea-horse. I haven't found an urchin yet though.. 

Oh, this is not good!

The downfall of the CAPTCHA

What are we going to do now?

What does that make?

So, if a few is three. And, quite is four. Does quite a few equal a dozen?

This is just some of the random things I think about while laying at the bottom of the shower. 

Downward Spiral

Things with Golfpro took a turn for the worst last night. I don't really want to talk about it because I really just don't feel like dealing with it. There was no fight, no words, just silence. On my part mostly. I just don't have anything to say, or even feel like thinking of something to say. Why must this stuff just be so so hard?

Saran-Wrap

Ever notice how saran-wrap NEVER cooperates? It's sooo frustrating! That's something I shoudl invent, frustration proof plastic wrap. 

Vanilla Soy Milk

I tried Vanilla Soy Milk for the first time tonight. It always sounded absolutely disgusting to me, but every time I drink milk my lungs hate me. So, in an attempt to take in less dairy, in hopes of making my lungs like me, I decided to try Vanilla Soy Milk in my Special K with Red Berries tonight. I was smart though, I just poured a little to try it first. Yeah, not good. It's decent mixed with milk of course, by just by its self in my cereal. Dis-gus-ting. No me gusta. I gave it a shot though. I tried it out, but I was definitely right the first time around. 

Say What?

The only thing I want to share today (so far):

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." 

-Matthew 7:1-2

Pizza

might just be my favorite food. Seriously. The crust is just so amazing and doughy. As long as it doesn't have sausage on it. That's just gross. 

My boobs hurt.

I love Supernanny. It's hilarious. 

Today has been the worst day and I just want to cry. I'm fighting it though, trying not to. It's been a really overwhelmingly stressful day. I think that most of it is due to working at 5 am the last three days. I'm definitely not a morning person the lack of sleep is really taking a toll on my emotions. If I worked at 5 am everyday, it would be a different story, but I'm just not used to it.

Last night as I was laying in bed, falling asleep, Mr. H called. He called a couple weeks ago and it was an amicable conversation then, I thought things went really well. That was then. I have no qualms with him or anything like that, even after last night, and I figured he was feeling the same way, but after last night's conversation, I'm not so sure that's the case anymore. 

I didn't mind answering when I saw it was him, I figured he would be calling soon anyway- we've all been there before and just needed to say what we needed to say, get it off our chest. He was really upset though and crying and basically it border-lined on a "I can't live without you and I don't care about anything without you and if I can't have you then nothing else matters" type conversation. Well, no, it didn't borderline on it, it was. I didn't get upset or anything like that. While I don't agree with his opinion on most everything, I respect his right to feel that way so I stayed calm and just told him I was sorry, that I wish things worked out differently, but his situation is just too complicated for me. He still refuses to take responsibility for anything and that's fine, it doesn't really matter too much anymore I suppose. I'm not one that likes the drama and starting fights, well not anymore, so I just let him talk and I stayed quiet. 

The conversation left me feeling a little upset though. I can deal with emo, but I can't deal with psycho. He hung up on me after I told him that I don't regret the choice I made and I called Golfpro. I felt bad for waking him up, but he told me not to worry, that I obviously needed to talk and he didn't mind. I felt so comforted. We talked for a few minutes and then I let him get back to sleep. He told me not to worry, he loves me and everything will be okay. I called C after and woke her up too. Wow, everybody goes to bed really early! I have really great friends though. There's no doubt I would of course do the same for them, but it always humbles me in situations like this where they're there for me. It's touching. So C and I talked for a while and then I let her get back to sleep too. 

I debated all day today on whether I should tell my mom about this conversation or not, but I figured that if I chose not to, I know something bad would happen, and if I told her, then it would all work out. It's a Murphy's Law type thing and things always work out that way. So I told her and she took it as I expected her too. No freaking out or anything like that, but for the next couple weeks she just wants to know where I'm at at all times. I can understand and respect that. 

C talked to Mr. H's brother tonight (they're starting to date) and while he never referenced the current situation, he did say that Mr. H was drunk last night and stumbled in and was just in a mood- he almost started a fight with one of his brother's friends. I'm hoping that is all it was and that'll be the end of it. He'll move on and it'll be done. He is not a happy drunk. At all. 

I, on the other hand, am the happiest drunk. 

Tomorrow is my appt. with the allergy specialist so wish me luck!

beeeeeeeeyotch.

Yeah, that totally describes me today. I've been working at 5am the last couple days. The earlier I get in, the most stuff I get done. Yeah, I almost get out early, but I am so exhausted by the time I get home, that I sleep for the next 5 hours. I work at 5 tomorrow too, then a day off. Except my day off, isn't really a day off perse because I have to go to the medical center for allergy and asthma testing. The allergy testing doesn't bother me, they're going to stick me with about 60 little needles and allergens, which will suck, but not nearly as bad as them attempting to induce an asthma attack. I've never had one, and never really wanted to experience one. People died from these things. Seriously. And here they are going to cause one. Grrrreat. The rest of the day will be spent trying to enjoy the beach with C. 

So, I'm beyond all tired, my boobs hurt, and after tomorrow I'm going to be put close to death. Awe-some. 

Sushi.

Yes, it was time for a new layout. I like it. It's simple and cute and.. orange. Which,  really isn't my most favorite color, but it'll work. For now. Plus, it gives me motivation to not keep it forever. 

Last night the Golfpro and I had the best date in a long time. I was bored and called him up just to tell him how ridiculously bored I was, secretly hoping he might offer to change it, which to my surprise he actually did. Well, actually he invited me over to watch him play video games in his underwear. And honestly I think that's pretty great because I love him in his underwear. I know he really wanted me to check out his new game, which isn't all that exciting to me, but if I got to do it while he was in his underwear, how bad could it really be?  When I got there though, he was no longer in his underwear *pout* and so it was a little on the painful side, but every time I pulled my phone out to play a game on there, he would look over at me and say, "You're suppose to be watching." 

After about an hour of video games he got up and we headed out to dinner. Yay! I was getting pretty hungry. I wasn't sure where we were going, but I got to drive. We ended up at a Japanese restaurant that he has been wanting to try. I'm a really picky eater, but I never really care what restaurant we end up at so I let him pick- he's pickier about that then I am. However, upon reviewing the menu and realizing that it was all pretty much sushi I started to get a little nervous and regret my decision of letting him pick. Finally he found me a chicken teriyaki dish- cooked! and ordered sushi for himself. I don't mind sushi, but only if it's the vegetable kind, with lots of avocado- he ordered some of that too.

I tried a lot of new things last night (miso soup...), including chop sticks which definitely took a while and a lot of instruction, but I finally got it down. I now know why Asians tend to be on the thin side- they get sick of trying and just stop eating. I can't say I blame them, it took forever to eat! Golfpro also got me to try to a spicy tuna roll, which I was really nervous about at first, but I did and I actually liked it. When it comes to food I am definitely a texture person more so then taste. Things usually don't taste too bad, but if the texture is all wrong, there is just no way I can eat it. This was good though, it wasn't chewy or squishy or rubbery like I expected it to be. It kind of just melts in your mouth. Not bad at all! It's something I could eat again. 

Golfpro even fooled me into eat fish eggs which I can't say was my favorite part of the meal, but I'm glad I tried it. It's the texture thing again. He had ordered a sushi pizza which was made with almost the same ingredients that's in the spicy tuna roll except it's not rolled, it's layed flat on tempura fried rice and it has a wasabi mayo added to it, and of course fish eggs that must have been on the bottom because I didn't see them. It wasn't until I felt something stuck in my teeth and pulled it out that I started freaking out and realizing what it was. You know when you get  bug on you and swish it off real quick only to feel like it's still there hours later? Totally had that feeling all through my mouth. Every time something was stuck in my teeth I was just sure it was fish eggs. Not the best feeling in the world. Nope. 

I'm definitely not a fan or trying new things at all. In fact, I hate trying new things. I hate change too. Nothing brings me more anxiety and stress then new things and change. Especially where there's this many new things. I must say that I was pretty proud of myself though. 

We had a lot of fun and I really feel like we bonded more. We talked a lot and ate new food and joked around and it was a great time. The check was a ridiculously large amount, but lucky for me he paid. I thanked him a billion times for extra measure and then we went back to his house and did it. That was pretty good too. :)

sigh.

What an amazing night. Details tomorrow. 

seven seven seven.

My golfpro is sick with a stomach bug so I spent my evening taking care of him. And really, there is nothing in this world that I would rather do, seriously. He's just so cute and lovable when he's sick. We had plans to get together tonight so I could give him his best ever birthday present anyway, but he called me promptly at 3:30 when I was due to be out of work asking me to bring some Pepto along with me. uh.. oh. That's never a good sign. He called back an hour later asking for some Gatorade too. 

So Pepto, the gatorade, his best ever birthday present and myself made our way over around 6. Poor thing was just laying there in bed with a super high fever. His body was just so warm. It took me a good hour and a half to talk him into taking some Tylenol for his fever and by the time I left he was still warm, but not burning up anymore. I went out and got him some soup and yogurt and crackers for him while I was there too since there was none to be found in the house. A house without soup.. I've never seen such a thing!

On a side note, Golfpro is back to living at home. He lived on his own forever, but due to some really really really bad luck he had to move home. He then moved out to the mid-west for the last year, but since he just moved back, he's at home again. Which is totally fine for me, he has a nice family and his privacy so it's good. Plus we're thinking about making a really big move in the next year, so it's a good way to save! 

But anyway, as I was downstairs warming up his soup for him, his mom starting to talk to me about my future. Now, there are few things in life that bug me more than when someone talks to me about my future and gives me advice as to what to do. Granted, I know I have no idea and they're only trying to help, but honestly, between you and me, help someone else. K, thanks. So, she gives me advice on this and on that. But, finally, I had enough and I was like, "But you know, Golfpro and I have been together for just about 6 years now and I know that we're heading in that direction of getting married and having a family and really, I just keep asking him if it would be at all possible for me to just stay at home while he works. That would just be absolutely ideal." Whoa. That totally made her crap her pants. Seriously. The look on her face was absolutely priceless. I almost died. She was like, Why, why would you want to do that? What would you do with your time? It was great. I told Golfpro when I went back upstairs and he loved it. We had a good laugh. 

But, for the record, I wouldn't mind working. But, really I only want to work part time. I just want to be able to see my kids grow up and really have the time to instill in them good morals and values. 

I asked Golfpro tonight if he was really upset that we weren't having a little one right now and he said No- that he wants one, but the time just isn't right right now. But, then again, if it happens it happens and he's totally okay with that. That was a good answer, it made me relax and smile and feel comforted. I'm a pretty lucky girl. 

Slowly trading in my feminist pants for an apron.

On the bright side, Golfpro opened up tonight. Which is good. I mean, we've been doing this things for just about 6 years now so it's time. I think much of the time he doesn't open up is not because he's not open perse, but after our conversation tonight, it's because he thinks I should just assume it to be that way. But I never assume anything, especially when it comes to him. We have talked about the future before and we both see our future with each other- kids, house, the whole nine yards. While we make each other miserable sometimes- less now then before, it's still a lot worse without each other and I like to think we've both finally come to that realization. Yes, I agree, it is about time.

Last Thursday was the day before Golfpro's birthday and I bought him a little present since his actual present wasn't arriving until today. Well, that set off an argument, one that I didn't really participate in as part of my new respect approach. I let him say what he wanted and respectfully remained silent. He was mainly just pissed off at how I choose to spend my money, whether that's on his birthday or on my love of shoes. But, like I said, I let him say what he wanted and instead of telling him to F off like I would have before, I wanted until he was done and then changed the subject- respectfully of course. 

He started again tonight on my spending of money. I forget what triggered the conversation, I can't remember saying anything about buying anything, but none the less, something brought it up. Finally after him going on and on about it, I was like, "Honestly, it's really none of your business how I choose to spend my money." Which totally would get a feminist high five. Except, he had a really good come back. He was like, "Well, you see, you're wrong. I have a very vested interest in how you spend your money because there are a few things you'd be safe assuming after how long we've been together. One, it would be nice to get married someday. Two, it would be nice to live together when we're married- unless you want to keep living with your parents while I have my own place, but I really don't want that." And it was nice to hear that he actually thinks about those things, with me. And so I promised I would try really hard to spend less money and he said it would be really nice if I also promised to try to save more money. I agreed. 

I must say that I'm pretty proud of us though. Normally this would have been something that would cause one of us to dump the other- which means me throwing in the towel more than likely. My attitude would have set him off to say something snappy and his snappy comment would have made me be completely disrespectful and end the conversation by saying I'm all set. Do you see now why we struggle? But instead, we sailed through it with flying colors! Go us! If we can keep this up, we might actually have a chance!

So here's to trying to save money. Any tips? I need all the help I can get! I'm off to a good start though- I did manage to decrease my insurance by $30 a month... and in the course of a year that's about $360 I believe. I mentioned this to Golfpro and he wasn't too enthusiastic, but after I reminded him of positive reinforcement and he smartly replied, "Well, good for you baby." Yes, good for me.

Back to the grind?

I'm not at all looking forward to returning to work tomorrow. Not in the least. It's not that I don't like my job, it's enjoyable and all, but I just enjoy not working so much more then I enjoy working. This is a very sad day. 

first of july

I guess it's the first day of July. Well, I don't guess it is, it is! So I guess that's means I should write something. The funny thing is, I have a lot to share, but I really need to find a way to share it immediately, like, while I'm a work, or while I'm driving. Something like Twitter, but an actual post, something not limited to just 120 characters. 

It was Golfpro's birthday this past Friday. I have decided that he hates all holidays. All. Including, but not limited to, his birthday, Easter, Christmas, Valentine's Day, and Thanksgiving. I always had an inkling that he might not be a fan of them since every time we broke up it was around one, but after this past Friday, it is a definite. You know that old saying about there only being two things in life that you can be certain of, well, now there is three- death, taxes and that Golfpro hates all holidays. It was a rough Friday without a doubt, but we made it through and he woke up Saturday morning chipper as ever, which only served to make it more certain to me that he hates holidays. His present should be arriving today and I'm very excited to bring it over. I did good this year! I also came to the decision that he will only get presents after the holiday has passed by. We got into an argument about his birthday present and I finally said, Fine, I will never buy you another present (before you think I'm cruel, this is what he wanted!). But of course I will, I'll just give it to him after the fact!

Today is also the last day of my little mini vacation. I've had the past 5 days off from work and it's been so wonderful. I got nothing done that I wanted to other than going to the beach and getting sunburnt. No laundry, no cleaning. C also took a mini vacation and it was nice to have some company. If it wasn't for her I probably would have done even less. 

I get my hair done today, which is really really exciting, it might almost be the most exciting part of my vacation! It needs some love so bad. A little, little trim since I'm trying to let it grow out and be all sexy... but maybe not, maybe I should cut it again? I did like it shorter. Oooooh. It's so tough! Either way, it's going to be so nice to just get my highlights redone. I. Cannot. Wait!