What if?

What if we made a conscience decision as consumers to only consume those products that are environmentally conscience? What would the world look like 10 years from now?

It's just a thought, but I'm going to make sure I do my part. And I think as part of that I'll post here what I've found. 

Well.

Well, it's been a while. It's a funny thing.. I started this blog because I had so much to say, but then as I started to write, I found I didn't really have anything to say. At least not anything worth spending time on, yours or mine. But now I found that I have much to say and so I thought I'd give it another try.... 

Please make sure to vote tomorrow. Please please please vote. I don't care who you vote for, well that's a lie, I do care, but I care more about you voting. It's amazing to me to think that at this time tomorrow we will know who our new president will be. It's my belief that voting is one of the most important tasks we have as citizens of this great country. There are so many people that die all around the world just for the right to vote and here we have it, let's not take it for granted. Let's not let all those who fought for this country and who still fight for this country die in vain. Go vote. Let your voice be heard. 

I've been counting down for a couple weeks now waiting for tomorrow to be upon us and now that's finally here I have a hard time containing my excitement. There really is little else that makes me feel as patriotic and as lucky and fortunate and humble as voting. Just to have that right to walk up and to cast my vote for who I think should be not only the next president, but who I think should run my state and my county and my town (small elections are just as important as the big ones). 

Please don't waste time coming up with excuses either. So many people say to me, what's the point of voting? What's the point?!? Is that a serious question? My age group has such a hard time realizing that the reason the country doesn't do more for them is because they don't cast their opinion! Show your government you care and that you have an opinion and I guarantee you'll see a government that starts doing more for you, but if you don't show them you care and that you have a voice, then what's the point of them focusing on you? And for those who say they don't care.. how do you not care? How can you not care? Go live in Africa, go live in India, in Tibet, in Columbia, in Russia, in China and then come back and tell me you don't care. 

It's your right and your duty to care, to have an opinion and to voice it, to vote. 

Back.. kind of

Well, I'm home. I have been for a couple days, but the day I got home I dropped my iBook and broke my power adapter in the landing. Leave it to Apple to build a sturdy laptop, but I wish they would put some work into their adapters. Anyway, I've ordered a new one and it's on it's way, but since it was cheaper to order a generic adapter online then to go with the Mac one, I have to wait on the postal service. I have many pictures to update and many stories to tell, I just hope I don't forget them all. 

Vacation..

I'm gone to the lake house for the week. I'll be back. If I find connection I'll update with pictures, otherwise, the iBook will only charge the shuffle!

Have a great week!

And the vacation begins today...

My parents have just left to the lake house to begin vacation. I go up Sunday after church. But do you know what this means? No, not a party, I'm over that. 

It means I can begin my remodeling of the living room. I can begin stripping the paint off the tin ceiling. I can begin taking down the ugly paneling and painting the walls. 

And of course I have stocked the fridge full of rum and wine because honestly, how else would I get this done. I have Kanye blasting away, a glass of chilled wine calling my name and a chocolate cream pie for dinner in the fridge. 

Oh yes, vacation has begun!

Olympics

In watching the Olympics, I love the men. The love the men diving in those sexy speedos. OMG. 

I love watching Phelps swim. OMG, I would so hit that. Oh please, you know you would do. I am not yet tired of the endless stories about him. And did I mention the men's diving and their speedos? Mmmm hmm. 

Morning Note

As i was about to leave for work this morning, I noticed this note my mom left for me. 

I opened it up to reveal this:

I almost died laughing. I got a free sample of panty liners in the mail yesterday and as she was talking to her friend yesterday afternoon in the kitchen I was all like, here you go and after her friend left she teased me about handing them out in front of everyone. So this was just great. 

I love my mom. She flippin rocks the casbah. 

Sleep deprived.

I am so tired. So so so tired. I didn't sleep very well last night and today Sarah started having contractions. It turned out to be a false alarm, but exciting and everything that goes with it. And now, I'm tired. I'm not even the one having the baby and it's already worn me out!

Just like a train wreck

You know how when you're driving down the freeway and there's an accident off to the side and you can't help but stare, taking it all in. You know the possibility for it to be unimaginably gory lies there, but still you can't stop yourself. Well, that's how I feel about my love life right now. And I use the word love lightly, almost for the lack of a better term. Almost.

Remember about a week ago, when I posted about my date with that really hot guy? The one that's 6'4", 200 lbs of pure sleek and sexy muscle. The one that says everything right, all the time, at the perfect moment. Well, he hadn't called all week, and I was really excited about that. Of course I was really disappointed as well, but knowing that I had averted a heart ache was comforting. Until yesterday. When he called. At 9:26 in the morning. Right before church. And called back after I sent him to voicemail. And then left a message saying he's been sick with strep and that he missed me and that he hopes he gets to talk to me soon. 

Yeah. 

He called back later last night and we talked and it was really nice, too nice. And he said all the right things, at the perfect moments, again. And I felt my stomach to twist all into a bunch again. 

Yeah.

I really hope he doesn't call tonight. I mean that. 

See, the thing is, I can totally see how this ends. And it's not very good. And I'll tell you, it definitely ends with me all sad and hurt and upset and even though I know this and can totally foresee this happening, I can not stop myself. I can't say no. There's something there, it's like a magnet. And he knows how I feel. I told him upfront on date one that I was feeling something and I will have feelings and they will happen really quick. I could see it coming even then. And he says he's okay with this. No, really, like he says it back okay with it. And then last night when I was sexy talking to him, because, hello, he's that hot and you would so totally do it too, he was saying how he wanted to be the best lover ever. And I was like, uhm, hello, have you seen you? Seriously. But no, I told him it was nearly impossible, but if he could make it to the top slot he better be ready to be stuck with me for a while and you know what he said? 

I wouldn't mind that at all. Would you?

Some things worth noting

My mom made the best dinner tonight, meatloaf and corn and baked potatoes and gravy. It was de-lish. But, anyway, as I was floating around the 'net today I found a couple things that I wanted to share. 

I go on vacation next Sunday to the lake house with the family, it's a good thing I don't get internet up there. I do bring my iBook though to charge my Shuffle.. I hope that doesn't count. You can read that full story here. 

I feel much better about having the same password for everything. You can find that story here.

A couple I forgot

I cleaned my room. I need more room for my shoes. 

I'm a geek and looooove making cards. This is the kitchen table last night with all my supplies spread out getting ready to make one for my friends baby shower.

Final product! How cute is it? And it lights up! YAY! The basket in the background is her gift that we put together. All sorts of crafty. 

Photo Album

I've had some pictures on my camera that I've been meaning to upload and post. Well, I finally did it, so here are they are.

A Day At The Beach

The sun hides behind a cloud

We had some pretty big waves that day, for New Hampshire. 

The best friend

Feet in the sand

There was a mist on the beach all day

The I got artistic and played with black and white:

A boat in the far distance

People

More people

Some rocks just chillin.

A Trip To Check On The Lake House

Such an amazing sunset that night. 

The view in front of me

The next two pictures are why I went to check on the lake house. You can read about the story here.

 

Back!

I am back! Okay, not that I was ever gone, but my modem totally died. Well, I guess the modem didn't die, it was just something with the connection outside because of the stores we've had? Either way, I am back! I have the modem in my room and I totally had to clean my room today because Comcast was coming. I don't have any before pictures, but I have some afters that I will post tomorrow. Anyway, today was a crazy busy day for me and I need to sleep. I have to get up early for church and then a baby shower. Yay! haha. 

You have got to be kidding me

In an attempt to make up for all the ice cream I could not eat when I had my tonsils removed eight years ago, I make a trek to Rite-Aid down the street for a pint of Ben & Jerry's. 

(On a side note: Is it just me or do all the greatest things come sized by pints? Beer. Ice Cream. )

So back to my story. While I was there I stopped by the summer seasonal aisle because Summer is starting to wind down here on the east coast and I was hoping they'd have some good clearance. They of course, did not, but while I was in the aisle this girl walked by with her mother complaining that she was pregnant and her mother was going too fast. The girl looked 12. Seriously, I had to pick my jaw up off the ground. But, these things happen so after taking a second to regain my composure, I continued on. 

Now, I don't live in the best town ever. It's the biggest city in this state, which really doesn't mean much at all. I live on a rather nice block surrounded by other rather decent blocks, but mixed in there are a lot of really scummy people. As with anywhere I'm sure. The city has gone a long way towards making this area a better place to live, and for that I'm grateful. However, like I said, there are some scummy people. 

As I was at the register buying my ice cream and ginger ale (I needed a break from my Ginger Tea) the same girl comes up behind me talking to her mother about what kind of cigarettes she wants. I'm serious. She smoked all of someone else's and now it's time for her own. I can't even tell you how mad I got when I heard her. It took every single thing I had in me to not say something. I just wanted to look at her and be like, are you serious right now?

I try my best to not judge any one, none of us are perfect and I'll be the first to admit any of my 100+ faults. But wow. It's not like we're in the 1930s and the information about the damage that can be done to unborn fetus' doesn't exist. It's every where. EVERY WHERE. If she wants to take up smoking the second she pops that baby out, fine, that's her choice, but that little baby doesn't have a choice right now. And I'm sorry, but it's people like that who shouldn't be allowed to have their kids. What's the difference between her baby and a crack baby? I don't see a big one. I don't even see a big difference between what's she's doing now and giving her child a good beating. Education has gone a long way in terms of discouraging this kind of stuff and maybe it would be pointless to make any kind of law against this. I mean honestly, if the concern of her unborn child's well-being is not enough to keep her from smoking, I really doubt anything is. But I'm just so mad at this girl right now!

The only thing I can do is pray that the baby will be born okay and hopefully it's parents won't f it up too much. I'm sure that's just wishful thinking though. Ugh. 

Ginger Tea

What are your thoughts on Ginger tea?

Oh Ginger Tea, drink not of the gods. 

You are spicy and yellow and full of fight

Oh Ginger Tea, I drink you with a nod

You are so sweet with some honey but still so full of bite,

If I didn't feel so sick, you would not be going in this bod. 

Oh Ginger Tea, drink not of the gods. 

haha. That's by Ginger Tea poem. What do you think? I've been drinking in with some honey and it seems to help my nausea, but man, it is not good. I mean, it is, but I feel like I'm drinking liquid wasabi or something. 

Update

I've survived on teaspoons of honey, pieces of sugared ginger and chicken noodle soup. The honey helps the throat, the ginger lets me eat the chicken noodle soup which also helps the throat and stops my stomach from growling. Oh, and naps. There are not enough naps in the world! The down side.. my fever is up 100.4 without Tylenol. With Tylenol 99.6 Very sad. 

West Nile Virus

I have it. No, seriously. Hear me out before you start with the oh my goodness you are crazy girl. 

First, for the past week I had the poops which ended a couple days ago, but I couldn't attribute it to anything that I ate. I know my body disturbingly well, like I always know what I eat that causes that stuff and it was attributed to anything. I ate all normal stuff. And it wasn't like my normal poops either, I'll leave it at that. That ended a couple days ago, thankfully. 

But, a couple days ago I started with a sore throat and nausea. Like, wicked nausea. Everything I try to eat anything I feel disgustingly sick and want to puke it up, but I don't. I relate it to that feeling when you're really really really really hungry and you feel pukey sick, but you know you just need to eat. It's that feeling, except it keeps me from eating. I get through a couple bites and I just have to stop. I can't even work through it. Unless I eat cake.. maybe there is an upside after all? But my throat keeps getting more and more sore and tender and now feels like the whole left jugular side is a giant bruise. 

Also starting a couple days ago was a fever. A low grade fever, the highest it's gotten so far is 99.4, but I never run fevers. Well, hardly hardly ever. Unless I have the flu and then it's like 103. Normally I average in the 97.6 range. 

And, I'm tired. I worked 4:30-12:30 yesterday, came home and took a 3 hour nap. Then I was still really tired and went back to sleep at 9 and slept until 9 this morning when Mum came to check on me. I did wake up throughout this time frame for activities like being and eating honey. But seriously, a three hour nap followed by 12 hours of sleep? Something is wrong. 

And to top it all off, about a week and half ago, I got 11 mosquito bites in one night. The covered my body including my cheek. 

So that's my story, now here's the symptoms of WNV:
Mild infection signs and symptoms
About 20 percent of people develop a mild infection called West Nile fever. Common signs and symptoms of West Nile fever include:

• Skin rash
  
• Headache
  
• Fever
  
• Diarrhea
  
• Nausea
  
• Vomiting
  
• Backache
  
• Muscle aches
  
• Lack of appetite
  
• Swollen lymph glands
  

Those look like pretty good odds to me. The good thing is that although I feel as though I want to die, I won't. The bad thing is that there is nothing the Dr. can do, my body just has to fight it by itself. 

This is very sad. :( 

I don't feel good.

I think that I am getting sick. Not so good. My throat is killing me and I have a little temp. I'm going to sleep some. I already took tylenol. :( Very sad. I hate being sick!

Cause it's all been said

She called me late last night, to say she loved me so
It didn't matter anymore,
I say she never cared
And that she never will,
I'd do it all again
I guess I'll have to wait until then

And if I get drunk well, I'll pass out
On the floor now baby
You won't bother me no more
And if you're drinkin' well, you know
That you're my friend and I say
I think I'll have myself a beer

She called me late last night, to say she loved me so
but I guess you changed her mind.
Well I should have known, it wouldn't be all right,
but I can't live without her
So I won't even try...

And if I get drunk well, I'll pass out
On the floor now baby
You won't bother me no more
And if you're drinkin' well, you know
That you're my friend and I say
I think I'll have myself a beer

Maybe some day, I'll think of what to say
Maybe next time I'll remember what to do
She looks like heaven, maybe this is hell
Said she'd do it all again, she'd promise not to tell!

And if I get drunk well, I'll pass out
On the floor now baby
You won't bother me no more
she said,
it's okay boy cause you know
we'll be go friends and I say
I think I'll have myself a beer
I think I'll have myself a beer

-Beer, Reel Big Fish

That's how I feel right about now. 

And you should download Soco Amaretto Lime from Brand New

He likes me, he likes me not

I think he likes me. 

As I was leaving last night to head home, he told me he would call in 20 to make sure I got home okay. He lives in the next big town south of me, which takes about 30 minutes on the freeway to get to. The whole time he said this I was of course thinking, uhmmmm riiiight. Ooookay, whatever you say, but secretly hoping of course that he would. Well, he did. And 20 minutes later he called again, just because he was kinda wishing I was still there. That might be a little stalkerish, but he's so hot that I am practically begging him to stalk me. Please, please, please, stalk me. Please. 

He called again this morning at 10:30 while I was driving North to the lake, then this afternoon to see what I was doing because his friend called and he wanted to make sure I had plans, otherwise he would hang out with me. And then tonight while he was driving home just to say hi. I didn't think he'd call at all honestly and I was sure that he thought I was crazy when I told him last night that I know I'm going to get feelings for him pretty quick. I was pretty sure he was lying when he told me a little while later that he might get feelings for me pretty quick too. Maybe he's not?

Yes, I realize that's a lot of calls, but I like that stuff. I like to feel connected with the other person. I need that stuff. I hate feeling like I did with Golfpro and having everything so separate. I still feel like this won't work out, it's impossible, I'll mess it up somehow, but so far, I just like knowing I'm liked. It's a good feeling to be liked. Or at least the possibility of being liked is a good feeling. 

I guess I'll have myself a beer

Do you ever just feel so scared and confused and lost in life? That's me right now. First, let me say that I love his sweater and am very jealous it's on him and not me... 

Very. Jealous. 

I met a boy last night. Okay, he's not a boy, he's 30, takes my breath completely away and he scares me to death. Looking in his eyes makes me hyperventilate. 

I sent my last text message to Golfpro telling him I hate him for everything and thanks for breaking a perfect heart. He wrote me back this morning say he did nothing and this is just me being me. F.U.C.K. Y.O.U. And... I just hurt. But I still can't cry. I want to just key his car, throw paint cans at him, something, anything so he can hurt as much as I do. He never will though because that's just him. And the sad part of it all is that when I look at the person he was when I first fell in love with, I don't even recognize who he is now, he's such a shell of the amazing person he used to be, but even with that, still I hurt. Right now I just really really hate him. I really don't think I can ever do this again with him. I totally opened myself to him and let my guard down, look where that got me.

But, I met a boy last night that scares the life out of me. He can break me. And I don't want him too, but wow. Have you ever felt that? I really doubt it will lead to anything serious, but this feeling I feel. Wow. I just feel like I can't get enough of him, he's intoxicating. 

And now I sound like a stalker. Grrrreat. 

Mascara!

This past weekend C and I went to dinner and then a movie. While we waited for the movie to start we walked around K-Mart. 

She proceeded to by all of K-Mart, but since I've put myself on a strict budget, I only bought mascara. 

I love mascara though. It's perhaps my most favorite make-up product. I. Love. It. I especially love the waterproof kind so I don't have to reapply everyday, but the problem with that is that my lashes then stick together and get clumpy. 

Well, I saw that Maybelline came out with a new mascara and this is very exciting so I just had to try it. 

I have to say that I absolutely recommend it. I love it. After two coats it looks like I have fake lashes on. I'm really impressed by how easy it washes off too. Granted, it might be that I'm used to the waterproof kind that needs baby oil to budge, but this stuff rinses right off with some soap and water. Because you know how when you wash off some mascara it still leaves you with raccoon eyes? Yeah, not this one!

So, that's all. It's love. 

Edward Scissorhands

I love the part of this movie in the beginning when she puts him to sleep in a waterbed. Seriously. lmao. 

I'm only half-retarded

As I'm leaving work this evening, I'm digging in my purse for my keys. And it's raining. And I'm digging, and digging and digging and it's raining. And I start to freak. Where are my keys, where are my keys. Did I leave them in the office? Did I even take them out to leave them there? Maybe I never put them in my purse and just set them on the desk. Wouldn't I have seen them and put them away? Well, it's raining, let me get in the car and empty my purse, they have to been in there. (I hardly lock the car door.. I probably should start after posting this, just. in. case.)

I get in and there are my keys, sitting quietly and peacefully on the passenger seat. Did I mention I don't lock my car door?

Yeah. My point exactly.

Free Samples

I love them. I sign up for free samples of everything in the whole wide world. Stuff that I'm never going to use or even thought about using, but because I can get a little mini version for free, I sign up! It's like getting mini presents in the mail almost every single day! So incase you too would love to have it be your birthday everyday you should check out this site

Free Grabber

That's the best one I've found so far. But, if you know of any other terrific ones, please share! Then it could not only be my birthday, but Christmas everyday as well!

But, almost doesn't count.

As I was driving to work this morning, I was listening to Taylor Swift. I downloaded her self-titled album the other day because I really love a couple of songs and she really has a beautiful voice when you listen to it, but after really listening to these lyrics, I just wanted to cry.

"Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?
Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart,now?
Why would you wanna make the very first scar?
Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?"

I just don't understand this whole thing with Golfpro and how I can love someone this much and it means nothing. I know that sometimes love is not enough, but when is it finally going to be enough? 

I prayed the rest of the way to work. I have to put it in someone else's hands because I can't handle it myself and I know that He will take care of it as He's suppose to. It will all work out the way it should. I honestly believe that He has a wonderful plan for me and I just need to have faith. Some times when it's the hardest to keep the faith is when you need to have faith the most.

I didn't cry though. And not that I think there is anything wrong with crying, but I just don't want to. If by all means you want to cry, please do. I know that I will soon. I've put off dealing with this long enough and I know it's building and will be coming to head, regardless of how much I do pray. My heart does hurt, it is broken and I miss him so much, everyday. It's like this.. or it was, I guess... 

"And I don't try to hide my tears.
The secrets or my deepest fears.
Through it all nobody gets me like you do.
And you know everything about me.
You say you can't live without me.

When I'm with anybody else it's so hard to be myself.
Only you can tell.

That I'm only up when you're not down.
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground.
It's like no matter what I do.
Well you drive me crazy half the time;
the other half I'm only trying to let you know that what I feel is true.
And I'm only me
Who I wanna be
Well, I'm only me when I'm with you"

And I feel so lost and so not myself without him. I always have, but this time it's so much worse because I felt things this time around that I hadn't before. I really truly believed that I figured it out this time.. but I guess he didn't. I'm hanging in there though and I know part of this is PMS and I'll be fine by the end of the week. But, damn!

I didn't sleep well last night either. I just keep coughing all night long, every night. And last night was no different, it just didn't quit, no matter how many times I used my inhaler. So, tonight I took a lot of my narcotic prescription cough syrup. I have quite a bit left over from my respiratory infection back in March. This is heavy duty stuff, like wicked heavy. And I didn't measure it out. Oh, no. I took a swig. A swig! And I can definitely feel myself getting dizzy and seeing double. It feels so great, it feels like wonderful sleep. I'm going to sleep well tonight and even if I cough all night, I'll never know it and that's just fine by me! What's even better is that I'm off tomorrow too! I can enjoy it even more! YES!

Zip, Zilch, Nada, Nothing, Nope.

Golfpro and I haven't spoken. Still. I've really wanted to cry a couple times, but I've been keeping it together. We've done this so many times, I know I shouldn't care, but what I felt this time was completely different then all the other times, well, for me it was anyways. I think I can fairly say not so much for him. Well, atleast he'll be forced to think of me whenever he plays golf. 

I've found however that the best way to heal your heart is to just get back on the horse. I know that some people need a lot of time, but for me, I need to know that they're are other fish in the sea. That even though I'm hurting, this probably won't be my last breakup. 

So, I got back on the horse last night and had me a little date. It was the worst date ever. Well, that's not exactly true. He's a wonderful guy, a complete gentleman, but unfortunately for the both of us, I feel more for my cat then I do for him. Absolutely zero chemistry. Zero. We met at the Outback Steakhouse and I was hoping it would go well and we'd have dinner, but I told him I wasn't hungry so that it wouldn't last any longer then it had to. 

I was honest though, I told him I just wasn't feeling the chemistry that I needed to. And I felt really good in doing that. Not because I hurt his feelings, but because I was just really honest and I felt proud of myself, like I was growing up a little bit, being more mature about things. 

I wish him the best and hopefully because I left things good, karma will be good to me. I could use a really good date. 

Orange had to go!

Yeah, I could only do the orange for so long. I don't actually look at my blog very often, just come here, post and go on to whatever else, but every time I did I was like.. yeah.... no. I think I'll stick with white layouts from here on out. So hope you like the new layout, I thought it was pretty and simple. :) I wish I had taken a screen shot on the orange one to remember it though.. I'll get this one! 

John Mayer

He is seriously love. And, I totally love the fact that he shaves his arms. I bet you never noticed that, but I bet you will now. Smoooth. Always. That just makes him a thousand times sexier to me. As if it was even possible. /drool.

Swedish Fish Version Aqua Life

A few weeks ago C and I were leaving the beach and we stopped at the gas station we always stop at and she bought some Swedish Fish. I had a couple, but the whole time I was eating them I just kept wishing they were in other flavors besides Cherry. Not that I don't like cherry, but I want to switch it up!

Then today as I was walking through Rite-Aid getting some ice cream (Cookies and Cream!) and I found this:




Oh my. Soo good! Especially the orange Sea-horse. I haven't found an urchin yet though.. 

Oh, this is not good!

The downfall of the CAPTCHA

What are we going to do now?

What does that make?

So, if a few is three. And, quite is four. Does quite a few equal a dozen?

This is just some of the random things I think about while laying at the bottom of the shower. 

Downward Spiral

Things with Golfpro took a turn for the worst last night. I don't really want to talk about it because I really just don't feel like dealing with it. There was no fight, no words, just silence. On my part mostly. I just don't have anything to say, or even feel like thinking of something to say. Why must this stuff just be so so hard?

Saran-Wrap

Ever notice how saran-wrap NEVER cooperates? It's sooo frustrating! That's something I shoudl invent, frustration proof plastic wrap. 

Vanilla Soy Milk

I tried Vanilla Soy Milk for the first time tonight. It always sounded absolutely disgusting to me, but every time I drink milk my lungs hate me. So, in an attempt to take in less dairy, in hopes of making my lungs like me, I decided to try Vanilla Soy Milk in my Special K with Red Berries tonight. I was smart though, I just poured a little to try it first. Yeah, not good. It's decent mixed with milk of course, by just by its self in my cereal. Dis-gus-ting. No me gusta. I gave it a shot though. I tried it out, but I was definitely right the first time around. 

Say What?

The only thing I want to share today (so far):

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." 

-Matthew 7:1-2

Pizza

might just be my favorite food. Seriously. The crust is just so amazing and doughy. As long as it doesn't have sausage on it. That's just gross. 

My boobs hurt.

I love Supernanny. It's hilarious. 

Today has been the worst day and I just want to cry. I'm fighting it though, trying not to. It's been a really overwhelmingly stressful day. I think that most of it is due to working at 5 am the last three days. I'm definitely not a morning person the lack of sleep is really taking a toll on my emotions. If I worked at 5 am everyday, it would be a different story, but I'm just not used to it.

Last night as I was laying in bed, falling asleep, Mr. H called. He called a couple weeks ago and it was an amicable conversation then, I thought things went really well. That was then. I have no qualms with him or anything like that, even after last night, and I figured he was feeling the same way, but after last night's conversation, I'm not so sure that's the case anymore. 

I didn't mind answering when I saw it was him, I figured he would be calling soon anyway- we've all been there before and just needed to say what we needed to say, get it off our chest. He was really upset though and crying and basically it border-lined on a "I can't live without you and I don't care about anything without you and if I can't have you then nothing else matters" type conversation. Well, no, it didn't borderline on it, it was. I didn't get upset or anything like that. While I don't agree with his opinion on most everything, I respect his right to feel that way so I stayed calm and just told him I was sorry, that I wish things worked out differently, but his situation is just too complicated for me. He still refuses to take responsibility for anything and that's fine, it doesn't really matter too much anymore I suppose. I'm not one that likes the drama and starting fights, well not anymore, so I just let him talk and I stayed quiet. 

The conversation left me feeling a little upset though. I can deal with emo, but I can't deal with psycho. He hung up on me after I told him that I don't regret the choice I made and I called Golfpro. I felt bad for waking him up, but he told me not to worry, that I obviously needed to talk and he didn't mind. I felt so comforted. We talked for a few minutes and then I let him get back to sleep. He told me not to worry, he loves me and everything will be okay. I called C after and woke her up too. Wow, everybody goes to bed really early! I have really great friends though. There's no doubt I would of course do the same for them, but it always humbles me in situations like this where they're there for me. It's touching. So C and I talked for a while and then I let her get back to sleep too. 

I debated all day today on whether I should tell my mom about this conversation or not, but I figured that if I chose not to, I know something bad would happen, and if I told her, then it would all work out. It's a Murphy's Law type thing and things always work out that way. So I told her and she took it as I expected her too. No freaking out or anything like that, but for the next couple weeks she just wants to know where I'm at at all times. I can understand and respect that. 

C talked to Mr. H's brother tonight (they're starting to date) and while he never referenced the current situation, he did say that Mr. H was drunk last night and stumbled in and was just in a mood- he almost started a fight with one of his brother's friends. I'm hoping that is all it was and that'll be the end of it. He'll move on and it'll be done. He is not a happy drunk. At all. 

I, on the other hand, am the happiest drunk. 

Tomorrow is my appt. with the allergy specialist so wish me luck!

beeeeeeeeyotch.

Yeah, that totally describes me today. I've been working at 5am the last couple days. The earlier I get in, the most stuff I get done. Yeah, I almost get out early, but I am so exhausted by the time I get home, that I sleep for the next 5 hours. I work at 5 tomorrow too, then a day off. Except my day off, isn't really a day off perse because I have to go to the medical center for allergy and asthma testing. The allergy testing doesn't bother me, they're going to stick me with about 60 little needles and allergens, which will suck, but not nearly as bad as them attempting to induce an asthma attack. I've never had one, and never really wanted to experience one. People died from these things. Seriously. And here they are going to cause one. Grrrreat. The rest of the day will be spent trying to enjoy the beach with C. 

So, I'm beyond all tired, my boobs hurt, and after tomorrow I'm going to be put close to death. Awe-some. 

Sushi.

Yes, it was time for a new layout. I like it. It's simple and cute and.. orange. Which,  really isn't my most favorite color, but it'll work. For now. Plus, it gives me motivation to not keep it forever. 

Last night the Golfpro and I had the best date in a long time. I was bored and called him up just to tell him how ridiculously bored I was, secretly hoping he might offer to change it, which to my surprise he actually did. Well, actually he invited me over to watch him play video games in his underwear. And honestly I think that's pretty great because I love him in his underwear. I know he really wanted me to check out his new game, which isn't all that exciting to me, but if I got to do it while he was in his underwear, how bad could it really be?  When I got there though, he was no longer in his underwear *pout* and so it was a little on the painful side, but every time I pulled my phone out to play a game on there, he would look over at me and say, "You're suppose to be watching." 

After about an hour of video games he got up and we headed out to dinner. Yay! I was getting pretty hungry. I wasn't sure where we were going, but I got to drive. We ended up at a Japanese restaurant that he has been wanting to try. I'm a really picky eater, but I never really care what restaurant we end up at so I let him pick- he's pickier about that then I am. However, upon reviewing the menu and realizing that it was all pretty much sushi I started to get a little nervous and regret my decision of letting him pick. Finally he found me a chicken teriyaki dish- cooked! and ordered sushi for himself. I don't mind sushi, but only if it's the vegetable kind, with lots of avocado- he ordered some of that too.

I tried a lot of new things last night (miso soup...), including chop sticks which definitely took a while and a lot of instruction, but I finally got it down. I now know why Asians tend to be on the thin side- they get sick of trying and just stop eating. I can't say I blame them, it took forever to eat! Golfpro also got me to try to a spicy tuna roll, which I was really nervous about at first, but I did and I actually liked it. When it comes to food I am definitely a texture person more so then taste. Things usually don't taste too bad, but if the texture is all wrong, there is just no way I can eat it. This was good though, it wasn't chewy or squishy or rubbery like I expected it to be. It kind of just melts in your mouth. Not bad at all! It's something I could eat again. 

Golfpro even fooled me into eat fish eggs which I can't say was my favorite part of the meal, but I'm glad I tried it. It's the texture thing again. He had ordered a sushi pizza which was made with almost the same ingredients that's in the spicy tuna roll except it's not rolled, it's layed flat on tempura fried rice and it has a wasabi mayo added to it, and of course fish eggs that must have been on the bottom because I didn't see them. It wasn't until I felt something stuck in my teeth and pulled it out that I started freaking out and realizing what it was. You know when you get  bug on you and swish it off real quick only to feel like it's still there hours later? Totally had that feeling all through my mouth. Every time something was stuck in my teeth I was just sure it was fish eggs. Not the best feeling in the world. Nope. 

I'm definitely not a fan or trying new things at all. In fact, I hate trying new things. I hate change too. Nothing brings me more anxiety and stress then new things and change. Especially where there's this many new things. I must say that I was pretty proud of myself though. 

We had a lot of fun and I really feel like we bonded more. We talked a lot and ate new food and joked around and it was a great time. The check was a ridiculously large amount, but lucky for me he paid. I thanked him a billion times for extra measure and then we went back to his house and did it. That was pretty good too. :)

sigh.

What an amazing night. Details tomorrow. 

seven seven seven.

My golfpro is sick with a stomach bug so I spent my evening taking care of him. And really, there is nothing in this world that I would rather do, seriously. He's just so cute and lovable when he's sick. We had plans to get together tonight so I could give him his best ever birthday present anyway, but he called me promptly at 3:30 when I was due to be out of work asking me to bring some Pepto along with me. uh.. oh. That's never a good sign. He called back an hour later asking for some Gatorade too. 

So Pepto, the gatorade, his best ever birthday present and myself made our way over around 6. Poor thing was just laying there in bed with a super high fever. His body was just so warm. It took me a good hour and a half to talk him into taking some Tylenol for his fever and by the time I left he was still warm, but not burning up anymore. I went out and got him some soup and yogurt and crackers for him while I was there too since there was none to be found in the house. A house without soup.. I've never seen such a thing!

On a side note, Golfpro is back to living at home. He lived on his own forever, but due to some really really really bad luck he had to move home. He then moved out to the mid-west for the last year, but since he just moved back, he's at home again. Which is totally fine for me, he has a nice family and his privacy so it's good. Plus we're thinking about making a really big move in the next year, so it's a good way to save! 

But anyway, as I was downstairs warming up his soup for him, his mom starting to talk to me about my future. Now, there are few things in life that bug me more than when someone talks to me about my future and gives me advice as to what to do. Granted, I know I have no idea and they're only trying to help, but honestly, between you and me, help someone else. K, thanks. So, she gives me advice on this and on that. But, finally, I had enough and I was like, "But you know, Golfpro and I have been together for just about 6 years now and I know that we're heading in that direction of getting married and having a family and really, I just keep asking him if it would be at all possible for me to just stay at home while he works. That would just be absolutely ideal." Whoa. That totally made her crap her pants. Seriously. The look on her face was absolutely priceless. I almost died. She was like, Why, why would you want to do that? What would you do with your time? It was great. I told Golfpro when I went back upstairs and he loved it. We had a good laugh. 

But, for the record, I wouldn't mind working. But, really I only want to work part time. I just want to be able to see my kids grow up and really have the time to instill in them good morals and values. 

I asked Golfpro tonight if he was really upset that we weren't having a little one right now and he said No- that he wants one, but the time just isn't right right now. But, then again, if it happens it happens and he's totally okay with that. That was a good answer, it made me relax and smile and feel comforted. I'm a pretty lucky girl. 

Slowly trading in my feminist pants for an apron.

On the bright side, Golfpro opened up tonight. Which is good. I mean, we've been doing this things for just about 6 years now so it's time. I think much of the time he doesn't open up is not because he's not open perse, but after our conversation tonight, it's because he thinks I should just assume it to be that way. But I never assume anything, especially when it comes to him. We have talked about the future before and we both see our future with each other- kids, house, the whole nine yards. While we make each other miserable sometimes- less now then before, it's still a lot worse without each other and I like to think we've both finally come to that realization. Yes, I agree, it is about time.

Last Thursday was the day before Golfpro's birthday and I bought him a little present since his actual present wasn't arriving until today. Well, that set off an argument, one that I didn't really participate in as part of my new respect approach. I let him say what he wanted and respectfully remained silent. He was mainly just pissed off at how I choose to spend my money, whether that's on his birthday or on my love of shoes. But, like I said, I let him say what he wanted and instead of telling him to F off like I would have before, I wanted until he was done and then changed the subject- respectfully of course. 

He started again tonight on my spending of money. I forget what triggered the conversation, I can't remember saying anything about buying anything, but none the less, something brought it up. Finally after him going on and on about it, I was like, "Honestly, it's really none of your business how I choose to spend my money." Which totally would get a feminist high five. Except, he had a really good come back. He was like, "Well, you see, you're wrong. I have a very vested interest in how you spend your money because there are a few things you'd be safe assuming after how long we've been together. One, it would be nice to get married someday. Two, it would be nice to live together when we're married- unless you want to keep living with your parents while I have my own place, but I really don't want that." And it was nice to hear that he actually thinks about those things, with me. And so I promised I would try really hard to spend less money and he said it would be really nice if I also promised to try to save more money. I agreed. 

I must say that I'm pretty proud of us though. Normally this would have been something that would cause one of us to dump the other- which means me throwing in the towel more than likely. My attitude would have set him off to say something snappy and his snappy comment would have made me be completely disrespectful and end the conversation by saying I'm all set. Do you see now why we struggle? But instead, we sailed through it with flying colors! Go us! If we can keep this up, we might actually have a chance!

So here's to trying to save money. Any tips? I need all the help I can get! I'm off to a good start though- I did manage to decrease my insurance by $30 a month... and in the course of a year that's about $360 I believe. I mentioned this to Golfpro and he wasn't too enthusiastic, but after I reminded him of positive reinforcement and he smartly replied, "Well, good for you baby." Yes, good for me.

Back to the grind?

I'm not at all looking forward to returning to work tomorrow. Not in the least. It's not that I don't like my job, it's enjoyable and all, but I just enjoy not working so much more then I enjoy working. This is a very sad day. 

first of july

I guess it's the first day of July. Well, I don't guess it is, it is! So I guess that's means I should write something. The funny thing is, I have a lot to share, but I really need to find a way to share it immediately, like, while I'm a work, or while I'm driving. Something like Twitter, but an actual post, something not limited to just 120 characters. 

It was Golfpro's birthday this past Friday. I have decided that he hates all holidays. All. Including, but not limited to, his birthday, Easter, Christmas, Valentine's Day, and Thanksgiving. I always had an inkling that he might not be a fan of them since every time we broke up it was around one, but after this past Friday, it is a definite. You know that old saying about there only being two things in life that you can be certain of, well, now there is three- death, taxes and that Golfpro hates all holidays. It was a rough Friday without a doubt, but we made it through and he woke up Saturday morning chipper as ever, which only served to make it more certain to me that he hates holidays. His present should be arriving today and I'm very excited to bring it over. I did good this year! I also came to the decision that he will only get presents after the holiday has passed by. We got into an argument about his birthday present and I finally said, Fine, I will never buy you another present (before you think I'm cruel, this is what he wanted!). But of course I will, I'll just give it to him after the fact!

Today is also the last day of my little mini vacation. I've had the past 5 days off from work and it's been so wonderful. I got nothing done that I wanted to other than going to the beach and getting sunburnt. No laundry, no cleaning. C also took a mini vacation and it was nice to have some company. If it wasn't for her I probably would have done even less. 

I get my hair done today, which is really really exciting, it might almost be the most exciting part of my vacation! It needs some love so bad. A little, little trim since I'm trying to let it grow out and be all sexy... but maybe not, maybe I should cut it again? I did like it shorter. Oooooh. It's so tough! Either way, it's going to be so nice to just get my highlights redone. I. Cannot. Wait!

My weekend was...

actually pretty nice. Well, kind of. I had to work and that part sucked. I didn't have my car either (I just got it back today) and that part sucked too. 

Friday night I met up with my best friend, C, and we went out for our usual Friday night thing. Well, she ended up spending the night talking to Mr. H's brother. I'm a pretty social person and I tried talking to the guys around me, but they were all half-retarded so I called my mom and made her come get me. No shame.

I just really wanted to go home. Whatever works for them, it's going to be a little weird in the future, but whatever. 

Mr. H also called me Friday night, before C and I had ever ventured out. He just wanted to say thanks for everything and apologize for how things turned out. It ended amicably and it was nice. At least if I see him out we'll be on friendly(-er) terms now and that's a nice feeling. It's not the biggest city, but it definitely messed up my head for the rest of the night, and the next morning as well. I just kept thinking maybe I have it all wrong. You know, that feeling that you get when someone you really care(d) about just pops back into the picture. You start questioning yourself, second guessing yourself. Did I make the right decision? Should I have done something else? I couldn't figure it out and so on my way to work Saturday morning I prayed about it- asked God to help me figure out what the heck to do, show me where I should be. 

Around 11 that morning my golfpro (formally referred to as Mr. B, I changed his name!) sent me a little text message asking me how work was going, I told him it was alright, nothing too great. He asked if we were still on for that night (Saturday) and I told him that my car was still in the shop so I don't think it will work out. He'd have to pick me up and drop me off and all that jazz, but instead of being like oh- okay, he asked what time I was out of work. I told him 7 and he was like alright, I'll pick you up at 7. I was just stunned. It's about a 45 minute drive from his house to where I work. That was my answer and I knew it. I felt at peace. Ask and you shall receive, right? But it just gets better. 

So after he picked me up, he dropped me off at home so I could shower, which was cool because I was just going to ask to use his, and he has nice shampoo so I would've made due, but he knows how I feel about all my stuff, so he dropped me at the door. While I was showering he went about bought stuff to make dinner. He picked me up again from my house and we drove to his house and then he cooked me dinner. I had such a fantastic time. He blessed me with clean-up duty, which was totally fine and as I was washing dishes I was like, "Look baby, we're playing house!" and he just laughed and was like, "Yes, honey, we are." It was just one of those moments. And so after dinner and dessert and me cleaning up we headed up stars and tucked in for the night.

The next morning we woke up and he got ready to take me all the way back to work. He asked if I wanted some left over dessert for a snack at work and I said yes and then he asked if I wanted some left over dinner for lunch and I asked if he had a container for it and he said he did so I said yes. And with that he packed me a little lunch and off we went. We stopped for coffee on the way at Dunkin's, my treat, and off we went. 

We figured out that we've been doing this for 6 years now. Six. Seriously. I can't believe it myself really, but in these past 6 years I can honestly say it's never felt this way. I've never been so open to him and to us. I contribute part of that to just finally being ready. To finally being mature enough to accept it, but I also contribute it to church and God. I recently read Love and Respect which is a faith based book on marriage. And while it is on marriage, it really applies to all relationships. But, really this book just totally opened my eyes and made me realize a lot. As soon as I finished I sent a text to golfpro apologizing for being so selfish and disrespectful for the past 6 years. And really I have been. I've noticed a change in our relationship ever since that conversation. He called later that night and we talked about it, and things have definitely shifted. I'm not saying we'll stay together and work out this time, who knows really, but I can honestly say that I am more open to life with him and more appreciative of all the little things he does for me. And there's a lot. 

So that's that. That was my weekend. I hope yours was really great too. I'm going to hop in my car now (because it's here and I can) and go buy some ice cream. Any suggestions? I'm feeling Ben and Jerry's. 

I'm sorry....

but the fact that my ex ex ex ex ex is 28 and dating a 20 year old is just gross. Seriously. I got he had issues when I dumped him, but damn. Grossness. 

My entire body...

is peeling. And it itches. Like crazy. All over. My back, my shoulders, my chest, my armpits, my stomach, my thighs, my shins. 

Yes, I got really really burnt. But atleast even with the peeling I'm still pretty tan. SWEEET!

I still haven't been motivated to write too much. I don't know what my deal is. I can do these little posts, but making a big one is just impossible it seems. 

My car is in the shop. Remember the hit and run? Yes. My little mobile is getting some plastic surgery. I should get it back Friday, but going all week without it has just royally sucked. Royally. Luckily my family is nice enough to drive me the 30 minutes to and from work everyday and let me borrow their car to run my simple errands. But still. I want my car. Oh, and did I mention that there's $2k in damage? Seriously. Seriously! I'm so frustrated!

I love this country....

but we're seriously slacking. 

Oh, wait, this is the best we could do?

Is it possible....

to live with only a 100 things?

I have thing...

to write about. Plenty of things. I just need the time to do it. Yes, I know I've passed another Monday without a motivation, but I haven't forgotten. I've just been busy. I'll aim for tomorrow evening. 

Talk about a...

stressful couple days. On Monday I had a really cute first date, it went well (I think!) and I hope we have a second, however on my way home I was rear-ended and then the guy took off. That sucks. A lot. Now I'm stuck with just a big huge headache. I did get the guys license plate and I did call the police and file a report and now I'm in the process of that whole thing. So needless to say I just haven't felt like writing anything, in all honesty, all I've wanted to do is crawl into the fetal position under the covers, lock the door and be left completely alone. Unfortunately, that didn't happen, but I'm feeling much better today. Much. 

I also realized today that I totally ignored my posting obligation this past monday (I'm sure you can understand why). So, in lieu of that, let me update you on my status. 

It seems this week might have been a little bit of a milestone for me. I'm not too quick to point out this change because I worry that tomorrow I'll fail. I have gained a half of pound to sit oat 231.0. I'm okay with that too. I finally started adding weights into my routine every other day. Muscle burns calories while fat just sits there. I'm also hoping that this will help tone me up so that even though I might stay the same weight, my pants will be a little looser. I don't do a big to do with weights, just some arm stuff, a few sets of sit-ups and squats. On days that I don't do weights I've tried to stay on the treadmill a  little longer aiming for 35-40 minutes. I've also started interval running. After warming up I run for a minute, then walk for two, run for a minute and walk for two. Yesterday I ran for a minute and half and walked for two. I only made it to the gym two times, maybe three last week and I realized my laziness on that was due to not bringing my gym clothes with me in the morning. I definitely changed that this week and it's obviously already made a difference. 

And even though my weight hasn't really changed too much this past week, I must say that I feel better from a month ago. The biggest change has been in simple things. No, I don't really have more energy like everyone says you should, and no, my mood hasn't really improved. I do sleep better at night though, like I feel I've really tired myself out during the day sleep. That is awesome. Really awesome. And also I've noticed a change in just how my body reacts to simple movements. A month ago, things like squatting down to pick something up off the ground was tough! Seriously. My face would turn red and it was just a big to-do, now, no biggie. I don't mind at all. It's just like breathing. It's those little things like that that have made the biggest difference. 

The second biggest change I've noticed comes in terms of how I feel about myself. So much so that I've been preaching almost to C that she needs to start. I will be the first to say that even though I'm a chubby girl, it doesn't really bother me so much, I don't mind. I don't have a negative self image, I don't stare in the mirror thinking I'm fat all the time. In all honestly, I forget I'm chubby and often think like I'm thin. But since I've been working out, I'm even more okay with myself then I was before because it feels good to accomplish something and notice this little changes. So, even though I may be a size 16, I can run! and I lift weights! and I make it to the gym a few times a week! and all my numbers are low! and that's an awesome feeling, even more so then seeing a change on the scale. It just makes me feel more okay with me and that's worth more than any number on the scale. 

I was in...

a hit and run last night. And it really sucks. And I definitely wasn't the one who ran. Yeaaaaah. 

Reason #68501...

why I love my mom. 

Me: So I have a date tomorrow night. 

Mom: Is he cute?

Me: Obviously. 

Mom: So where are you going? A hotel?

Me: Yeah I was thinking about it. 

Mom: Make sure you bring a condom. 

Me: I was totally kidding mom. 

Mom: Well, still, bring a condom. 

heart. Okay, so maybe you'd have had to been there. 

Last night..

was kind of a crappy night. I went out with C hoping to have a great time, but I was just too preoccupied with other stuff to relax and have a good time, but her being the amazing friend that she is dealt with me. I love her. 

We were at one of our favorite bars last night after going to a couple others and deciding we only really like this one. We were drinking a couple J.D. Honey Brown's and watching highlights of the Red Sox vs. the Orioles game. A guy kept standing awkwardly behind us and so I made small talk with him to try and down play the creep factor. FAIL!

It worked at first until he continued to longer behind us with a couple of older women well after he got his drinks. He whispered in C's ear, which I luckily found out later was completely inappropriate. He's lucky he said it to her and not to me. He continued talking to her though and she pretended to laugh and he continued on. Eventually he moved to the side and got involved in his group again.. only so his friend could come up and start talking to us. 

I forget what his friend said but it wasn't funny and it didn't make sense and so he went on to tell us he was joking. C pretended to laugh again and I trying to be nice was like, oh I'm sorry, I didn't get it. He then became a retard and was like, well, I don't get your sarcasm. ?. And I looked at him and told him that it was probably because I wasn't being sarcastic and then I ignored him. 

After a few minutes of peacefulness, the creepy stand behind stalker came back to make conversation with me this time. Oh, lucky me! He kept prodding me, asking me if I was happy and I kept telling him yes, I was, I'm a pretty happy person. Because it just seems like you think I'm.. obtuse. So I paused and tried to figure out how this creepy drunk guy could even use a word like obtuse in his condition, and then went on to assure him I did not think he was obtuse. He continued on with whether I was happy or not and I continued to reassure him that I was. Of course I could have been happier had he not been haggling me with drunken questions about happiness and triangles, but I just wasn't in the mood to be a complete bitch. After he walked away I had to explain obtuse to C, we paid our tab and headed out. 

I haven't really...

felt like writing lately. I've just been exhausted and a little busy just living life. I've been trying to hang out with C more since she's been down in the dumps with her breakup. It's important just to spend time with her keeping her busy and her mind off of stuff. It's not easy and it'll take time, but I'll do whatever I can. Yesterday we went to dinner and then just drove around for about an hour checking out all the cute guys. It's getting warmer here finally and they're all coming out of the woodwork! 

I didn't make it to the gym yesterday because I went to get my nails done after work and then hung out with her after that, so that means either Friday or Sunday I work out instead of having a day off... I'm thinking that'll be Sunday. Today felt so off and I really attribute that to not making it to the gym yesterday, which is good because that means it might actually be becoming part of my routine. Finally. And my lungs are definitely getting stronger, which is good. Almost two months ago I had a really bad URI (upper respiratory infection), it was really nasty and it took my lungs a whole lot of time and a whole lot of medication to bounce back. They finally did though and I can definitely feel a difference. Now that they've recuperated and I've been working out semi-regularly I can really see a difference and have finally started to be able to run on the treadmill. I love running but have just been so out of shape it wasn't an option. I only run for a minute at a time in intervals. I warm up for 5 minutes, run for 1, walk for 2, run for 1, walk for 2 and so on until my time is up.

However, I have noticed my heels increasing in pain. A while back I researched this on WebMD and realized that it was all do to my flat feet and being chubby. I also learned how to stretch it out and heal it on my own without having to do to the dr. which is why I just have to say how much I love WebMD, not even for self diagnosis reasons, but also because it's just so interesting. Anyway, so my heel pain is back and I'm back to doing heel and calf stretches all day long. I think part of the pain coming back this time is more from bad shoes and less from tight muscles. I also looked up Chiropractor info too since I've been going there the past couple weeks for my back strain. I highly recommend it, it's amazing. 

I am so..

tired. Like, so so so tired. I have things to blog about, but I am just toooo tired. Maybe tomorrow. 

You know...

I'm not really sure why people are so upset about airlines charging a 15 per bag fee in order to help with the gas costs. Do people seriously not realize how much is effected by the cost of gas? Everything is! If gas is rising, so aren't the prices on everything else. I guess I'm just not surprised at all. But I wish that instead of sitting here and complaining about the price of gas that people would seriously work harder at conserving it. I do everything I can to extend the life of my gas and long as I can and I try to inspire others to do the same. It goes farther then that though. We really need to be proactive and begin to live a greener lifestyle. There's so many little things that people can do without even realizing it. I think of the most simplest ones is to stop using plastic AND paper bags. Bring your own. I do. It's so easy and if you look at every plastic bag in terms of gasoline, maybe it'll help you to use them more often. 

Ever notice...

how flexible your ears are? I was thinking about it today as I was driving home from the mall (Yes, I bought some amazing shoes. Okay, I'll show you.)

Just imagine those, but in baby pink. I love them so much. 

So, but on the way home, I was thinking about why ears are so flexible. Don't ask why I was thinking that, I'm not really sure how I got onto to the topic, but I did. The only thing I can think is because they stick out and if they weren't flexible, then when we slept it would be really painful. I tried looking up the exact reason so that I might be able to share it with you, but I couldn't find an answer. If you know though, do share. 

One line...

means no! It might still be too early, but I still feel a hundred times better!

I just learned....

how to take a screenshot! I know, I know, I'm a little late in learning this. I finally thought to look it up (hey, I'm a little slow sometimes!) and it works! See.. there's my screen.

That word document is my letter to Mr. H, finally. It came out really well. I'm very proud, all those English classes really paid off. I read it to my best friend C and she was moved. I think she even got a little teary. 

I'm so excited about taking screenshots though. I know it's dorky, but I finally learned. And just incase you're wondering how to do it yourself and you have a mac, it's control + shift + 3 and it'll save it to your desktop and it will open in Preview when you double click it. Yay! 

P.S. I finally just ate. I've been trying all day, but every time I tried, it just didn't go so well. I feel so much better! Kind of. Never drinking that much, ever. 

I am never...

drinking that much ever again. Ever. Ever. Ever. Again. 

I've mentioned before...

that I hyper-mile. Well, my goal for this last tank of gas was to make it to 500 miles without filling up. I've done everything I could possibly do to extend my gas life and there were times where I wasn't sure I would make it to 500, maybe only 480 this time. However, I did it though. i made it to 500 miles on one tank of gas, that works out to 33.3 miles per gallon. I'll take it. 

Obviously I'll never make it 600, I only have a Honda Accord, but I wouldn't mind staying at 500 at all, especially with the cost of gas going up like it is. 

I've also worked to spread the news to as many people as possible. I found that when people hear a story about someone actually getting that many miles to a tank of gas, it becomes believable and they then begin to challenge themselves to extend their gas as far as possible. I've passed the gas bug onto someone I work with already and I can't wait until tomorrow when I can tell her how I did. And today while I was getting my nails done, I passed the bug onto two others that were there as well. 

I always get asked how I do it and I've found that it's the simplest things that make the biggest difference, but it really requires being a conscious driver. You really have to pay attention to how you drive and really in reflection, it's made me a much better driver over all. So what did I do to make it to 500 miles? 

1. Well, for one, the easiest thing is just taking off a lot slower, barely accelerating at all. 
2. I also coast to a stop instead of just going going going STOP! I pay attention more to what is coming so that I can coast where ever possible. 
   
3. I use cruise control any time I'm on the freeway
4. I always set my cruise control AT the speed limit, or even under it if I can get away with it. 
5. I keep my windows up on the freeway. I don't use AC hardly ever, so I used to drive with my windows down all the time, not anymore. If the car gets too stuffy I just crack the window for a breeze. 

Those are the biggest changes I've made. I'm always looking for new ways to improve my mileage so if you have any ideas please share. 

It's about time...

that I stopped thinking and worrying about every other person in this world and focused on me. Finally. I've spent the last two years so caught up in trying to be everything to everyone that I have totally neglected being me for me. It's not a matter of not making time for myself, I do that and trust me, I do that well, but I more so put all my emotional wants and needs on the back burner to make sure everyone else is happy. That is, until now. 

I knew that there was more to this Mr. H thing then what scratched the surface. I just didn't know what it was or how deep it really ran. But I kept digging, kept thinking about it, kept taking it apart and putting it back together hoping that it would all make sense. And finally it did. I've spent the last four months completely taking care of him, making him happy. My every thought was consumed with his well-being and I understand the situation called for it, but I finally broke. A big part of it is the surface emotions that the situation caused, I do feel like he took advantage of my kindness, but more so I feel like it's time to just focus on me. 

This isn't completely his fault either, it's been slowly happening for years now and that right there is my fault. I felt like who I was wasn't good enough without ever really realizing it. It might be contradictory to say, but I've never really suffered from low self-esteem so coming to this realization has definitely been confusing to me. But, it's like it all happened sub-consciously. I felt like I had to make these changes that I made, be a different person in order to be a good person, in order to be the person that I wanted to see staring back at me in the mirror. Problem was, the person I found staring back at me was never happy. 

So I decided last night while I was laying in bed with all this playing over and over in my head, that I'm going to be happy and I'm done trying to be what others think I should be. I'm done apologizing for my actions, I'm done trying to come up with a good reason why I shouldn't do something other than it might not be the accepted thing to do. I'm going to do things for me now. And I really hope you start doing things for you. 

So complicated.

I've been feeling so completely overwhelmed this past week. Things have happened that I never expected in a million years and I won't try and explain all of them here, some of them are private. But for one, Mr. B coming back, I just didn't expect it and now that he is and things are feeling crazy different then they ever have before, it's like he's just not that into it. And, I've just not been this unsure in such a long time. 

And second, Mr. H wrote me this letter and I wasn't going to bother responding, but the whole thing has just been bothering me, as it should I suppose. 

And then there's the school thing. I've just been feeling so lost in life this past week, hardly knowing what to do about anything I'm faced with. 

And so I sat in church this morning with my dad and just let go. I just let go of it all and in sitting there, that might be one of the first times I've really began to believe in something more than just this, in something that's bigger than ourselves. It's hard to explain, but if you've ever experienced it, and I hope you have, or that you will at least once in your life, it is the most amazing feeling. I think that's the feeling people get when they say God has talked to them. It's this overwhelming clarity and calmness that just lets you know all will be okay and to take a deep breath. I felt like I was a child again, sitting on my mom's lap and burying my head into her neck for comfort. 

Things aren't magically perfect now, I'm still feeling a little stressed, but I know what I have to do and although I might not like doing it, it's what's right and more importantly I know that whenever happens, whatever the outcome may be, that it will be okay, it will be alright. 

You must...

You must watch Mr. Magorium's Magic Emporium. 

No, really, you must watch it. 

There are very few movies that touch me. That really just make me smile and really just mean something. This is one of them. Go watch it. Now. 

I wonder..

Some people wonder why I still live at home. I make enough to move out, well, if I stopped buying shoes that is. I make pretty fair money. It could be better, but it definitely could be worse and I really have no room to complain after my most recent raise. 

Some people crave their independents. They have this desire to have the ability to bring random people home, and outside of that, I cannot see the appeal of moving out. 

I have my freedom, I do what I want, I get along with my parents, they're amazing. It's really cheap too. I pay for nothing honestly. And who couldn't like that? 

But honestly, it's the little things about living at home that make me never want to leave. Like today, for instance, I left my shoes in the dining room yesterday and when I came home from work today, my mom had not only put those away but organized all my other pairs as well. 

Seriously now, why would I ever consider leaving this?

Gym..

I made it.. YES! That's four days this week. I took yesterday off. 

breathe

... and when I kissed Mr. B today after the first time in almost a year, it was nothing like I remembered it being. He was better then before, I don't like to think of why, but I forgot to breathe and I got the tingles. I'm so glad he's home, and I'm pretty sure he's really sick of hearing me say that. 

Ohm

I work really hard at limiting my carbon footprint. I'm a hyper-mile geek and am up to about 33 miles to a tank of gas. I wear everything as much as I can before I wash it because of the sheer amount of water it takes to do a load of laundry. I use fabric bags or just no bags at all as much as possible. I recycle almost everything I possibly can, paper, plastic, glass, metal, you name it, I try to recycle it. I take the plastic out of my cereal boxes, the cutter off of my foil box and separate them accordingly. I pester other people for not recycling. I even think about cloth diapering when I have a child someday because of the waste that regular diapers create. 

But I'm guilty of taking showers that last at least an hour. I can't help it. There is something so soothing and relaxing about the hot water just falling on me. I love nothing more then sitting in the tub, under the water and just zoning out, it's my yoga. But, no matter how hard I try I can't shorten them up. 

Once in a while I like taking baths, and I feel less wasteful that way, but there's something about the lack of soothing water droplets that just isn't the same. I love laying under the shower head with my eyes closed and just daydreaming, but I can't do that in a bath without getting bored and almost drowning. 

When the world runs out of water, you'll know who to blame. And, you'll know where to find me.