I haven't really...

felt like writing lately. I've just been exhausted and a little busy just living life. I've been trying to hang out with C more since she's been down in the dumps with her breakup. It's important just to spend time with her keeping her busy and her mind off of stuff. It's not easy and it'll take time, but I'll do whatever I can. Yesterday we went to dinner and then just drove around for about an hour checking out all the cute guys. It's getting warmer here finally and they're all coming out of the woodwork! 

I didn't make it to the gym yesterday because I went to get my nails done after work and then hung out with her after that, so that means either Friday or Sunday I work out instead of having a day off... I'm thinking that'll be Sunday. Today felt so off and I really attribute that to not making it to the gym yesterday, which is good because that means it might actually be becoming part of my routine. Finally. And my lungs are definitely getting stronger, which is good. Almost two months ago I had a really bad URI (upper respiratory infection), it was really nasty and it took my lungs a whole lot of time and a whole lot of medication to bounce back. They finally did though and I can definitely feel a difference. Now that they've recuperated and I've been working out semi-regularly I can really see a difference and have finally started to be able to run on the treadmill. I love running but have just been so out of shape it wasn't an option. I only run for a minute at a time in intervals. I warm up for 5 minutes, run for 1, walk for 2, run for 1, walk for 2 and so on until my time is up.

However, I have noticed my heels increasing in pain. A while back I researched this on WebMD and realized that it was all do to my flat feet and being chubby. I also learned how to stretch it out and heal it on my own without having to do to the dr. which is why I just have to say how much I love WebMD, not even for self diagnosis reasons, but also because it's just so interesting. Anyway, so my heel pain is back and I'm back to doing heel and calf stretches all day long. I think part of the pain coming back this time is more from bad shoes and less from tight muscles. I also looked up Chiropractor info too since I've been going there the past couple weeks for my back strain. I highly recommend it, it's amazing. 

I am so..

tired. Like, so so so tired. I have things to blog about, but I am just toooo tired. Maybe tomorrow. 

You know...

I'm not really sure why people are so upset about airlines charging a 15 per bag fee in order to help with the gas costs. Do people seriously not realize how much is effected by the cost of gas? Everything is! If gas is rising, so aren't the prices on everything else. I guess I'm just not surprised at all. But I wish that instead of sitting here and complaining about the price of gas that people would seriously work harder at conserving it. I do everything I can to extend the life of my gas and long as I can and I try to inspire others to do the same. It goes farther then that though. We really need to be proactive and begin to live a greener lifestyle. There's so many little things that people can do without even realizing it. I think of the most simplest ones is to stop using plastic AND paper bags. Bring your own. I do. It's so easy and if you look at every plastic bag in terms of gasoline, maybe it'll help you to use them more often. 

Ever notice...

how flexible your ears are? I was thinking about it today as I was driving home from the mall (Yes, I bought some amazing shoes. Okay, I'll show you.)

Just imagine those, but in baby pink. I love them so much. 

So, but on the way home, I was thinking about why ears are so flexible. Don't ask why I was thinking that, I'm not really sure how I got onto to the topic, but I did. The only thing I can think is because they stick out and if they weren't flexible, then when we slept it would be really painful. I tried looking up the exact reason so that I might be able to share it with you, but I couldn't find an answer. If you know though, do share. 

One line...

means no! It might still be too early, but I still feel a hundred times better!

I just learned....

how to take a screenshot! I know, I know, I'm a little late in learning this. I finally thought to look it up (hey, I'm a little slow sometimes!) and it works! See.. there's my screen.

That word document is my letter to Mr. H, finally. It came out really well. I'm very proud, all those English classes really paid off. I read it to my best friend C and she was moved. I think she even got a little teary. 

I'm so excited about taking screenshots though. I know it's dorky, but I finally learned. And just incase you're wondering how to do it yourself and you have a mac, it's control + shift + 3 and it'll save it to your desktop and it will open in Preview when you double click it. Yay! 

P.S. I finally just ate. I've been trying all day, but every time I tried, it just didn't go so well. I feel so much better! Kind of. Never drinking that much, ever. 

I am never...

drinking that much ever again. Ever. Ever. Ever. Again. 

I've mentioned before...

that I hyper-mile. Well, my goal for this last tank of gas was to make it to 500 miles without filling up. I've done everything I could possibly do to extend my gas life and there were times where I wasn't sure I would make it to 500, maybe only 480 this time. However, I did it though. i made it to 500 miles on one tank of gas, that works out to 33.3 miles per gallon. I'll take it. 

Obviously I'll never make it 600, I only have a Honda Accord, but I wouldn't mind staying at 500 at all, especially with the cost of gas going up like it is. 

I've also worked to spread the news to as many people as possible. I found that when people hear a story about someone actually getting that many miles to a tank of gas, it becomes believable and they then begin to challenge themselves to extend their gas as far as possible. I've passed the gas bug onto someone I work with already and I can't wait until tomorrow when I can tell her how I did. And today while I was getting my nails done, I passed the bug onto two others that were there as well. 

I always get asked how I do it and I've found that it's the simplest things that make the biggest difference, but it really requires being a conscious driver. You really have to pay attention to how you drive and really in reflection, it's made me a much better driver over all. So what did I do to make it to 500 miles? 

1. Well, for one, the easiest thing is just taking off a lot slower, barely accelerating at all. 
2. I also coast to a stop instead of just going going going STOP! I pay attention more to what is coming so that I can coast where ever possible. 
   
3. I use cruise control any time I'm on the freeway
4. I always set my cruise control AT the speed limit, or even under it if I can get away with it. 
5. I keep my windows up on the freeway. I don't use AC hardly ever, so I used to drive with my windows down all the time, not anymore. If the car gets too stuffy I just crack the window for a breeze. 

Those are the biggest changes I've made. I'm always looking for new ways to improve my mileage so if you have any ideas please share. 

It's about time...

that I stopped thinking and worrying about every other person in this world and focused on me. Finally. I've spent the last two years so caught up in trying to be everything to everyone that I have totally neglected being me for me. It's not a matter of not making time for myself, I do that and trust me, I do that well, but I more so put all my emotional wants and needs on the back burner to make sure everyone else is happy. That is, until now. 

I knew that there was more to this Mr. H thing then what scratched the surface. I just didn't know what it was or how deep it really ran. But I kept digging, kept thinking about it, kept taking it apart and putting it back together hoping that it would all make sense. And finally it did. I've spent the last four months completely taking care of him, making him happy. My every thought was consumed with his well-being and I understand the situation called for it, but I finally broke. A big part of it is the surface emotions that the situation caused, I do feel like he took advantage of my kindness, but more so I feel like it's time to just focus on me. 

This isn't completely his fault either, it's been slowly happening for years now and that right there is my fault. I felt like who I was wasn't good enough without ever really realizing it. It might be contradictory to say, but I've never really suffered from low self-esteem so coming to this realization has definitely been confusing to me. But, it's like it all happened sub-consciously. I felt like I had to make these changes that I made, be a different person in order to be a good person, in order to be the person that I wanted to see staring back at me in the mirror. Problem was, the person I found staring back at me was never happy. 

So I decided last night while I was laying in bed with all this playing over and over in my head, that I'm going to be happy and I'm done trying to be what others think I should be. I'm done apologizing for my actions, I'm done trying to come up with a good reason why I shouldn't do something other than it might not be the accepted thing to do. I'm going to do things for me now. And I really hope you start doing things for you. 

So complicated.

I've been feeling so completely overwhelmed this past week. Things have happened that I never expected in a million years and I won't try and explain all of them here, some of them are private. But for one, Mr. B coming back, I just didn't expect it and now that he is and things are feeling crazy different then they ever have before, it's like he's just not that into it. And, I've just not been this unsure in such a long time. 

And second, Mr. H wrote me this letter and I wasn't going to bother responding, but the whole thing has just been bothering me, as it should I suppose. 

And then there's the school thing. I've just been feeling so lost in life this past week, hardly knowing what to do about anything I'm faced with. 

And so I sat in church this morning with my dad and just let go. I just let go of it all and in sitting there, that might be one of the first times I've really began to believe in something more than just this, in something that's bigger than ourselves. It's hard to explain, but if you've ever experienced it, and I hope you have, or that you will at least once in your life, it is the most amazing feeling. I think that's the feeling people get when they say God has talked to them. It's this overwhelming clarity and calmness that just lets you know all will be okay and to take a deep breath. I felt like I was a child again, sitting on my mom's lap and burying my head into her neck for comfort. 

Things aren't magically perfect now, I'm still feeling a little stressed, but I know what I have to do and although I might not like doing it, it's what's right and more importantly I know that whenever happens, whatever the outcome may be, that it will be okay, it will be alright. 

You must...

You must watch Mr. Magorium's Magic Emporium. 

No, really, you must watch it. 

There are very few movies that touch me. That really just make me smile and really just mean something. This is one of them. Go watch it. Now. 

I wonder..

Some people wonder why I still live at home. I make enough to move out, well, if I stopped buying shoes that is. I make pretty fair money. It could be better, but it definitely could be worse and I really have no room to complain after my most recent raise. 

Some people crave their independents. They have this desire to have the ability to bring random people home, and outside of that, I cannot see the appeal of moving out. 

I have my freedom, I do what I want, I get along with my parents, they're amazing. It's really cheap too. I pay for nothing honestly. And who couldn't like that? 

But honestly, it's the little things about living at home that make me never want to leave. Like today, for instance, I left my shoes in the dining room yesterday and when I came home from work today, my mom had not only put those away but organized all my other pairs as well. 

Seriously now, why would I ever consider leaving this?

Gym..

I made it.. YES! That's four days this week. I took yesterday off. 

breathe

... and when I kissed Mr. B today after the first time in almost a year, it was nothing like I remembered it being. He was better then before, I don't like to think of why, but I forgot to breathe and I got the tingles. I'm so glad he's home, and I'm pretty sure he's really sick of hearing me say that. 

Ohm

I work really hard at limiting my carbon footprint. I'm a hyper-mile geek and am up to about 33 miles to a tank of gas. I wear everything as much as I can before I wash it because of the sheer amount of water it takes to do a load of laundry. I use fabric bags or just no bags at all as much as possible. I recycle almost everything I possibly can, paper, plastic, glass, metal, you name it, I try to recycle it. I take the plastic out of my cereal boxes, the cutter off of my foil box and separate them accordingly. I pester other people for not recycling. I even think about cloth diapering when I have a child someday because of the waste that regular diapers create. 

But I'm guilty of taking showers that last at least an hour. I can't help it. There is something so soothing and relaxing about the hot water just falling on me. I love nothing more then sitting in the tub, under the water and just zoning out, it's my yoga. But, no matter how hard I try I can't shorten them up. 

Once in a while I like taking baths, and I feel less wasteful that way, but there's something about the lack of soothing water droplets that just isn't the same. I love laying under the shower head with my eyes closed and just daydreaming, but I can't do that in a bath without getting bored and almost drowning. 

When the world runs out of water, you'll know who to blame. And, you'll know where to find me.

Over the edge?

I was bombarded by another bundle of phone calls all after noon. Finally around 730 as I was eating my plain bagel with veggie cream cheese and driving to the mall to look at shoes, which by the way I found none, except a pair of yellow heels I might have to go back for seeing as how I fell in love, I decided to answer my phone. Really, I had nothing to say, but the shear insanity of the never ending ringing was enough to drive me over the edge. How quickly I came to regret that decision though, just as I predicted I would. 

Through the 10 minute conversation, I became keenly aware that Mr. H still cannot fathom for the life of him why in the world I am so upset, apparently, he did nothing wrong. I called bullshit on that one, and really, there is no convincing me otherwise, not after everything I've done for him. He went on to tell me that he is convinced I am having "relations" with somebody else. I couldn't even dignify that with a response, other then to laugh, but if he happens to think so little of me, then so be it, I'm not really in much of a mindset to tell him differently. He can think whatever he wants as long as it helps him fall asleep at night, but the fact that he refuses to take responsibility for any of his actions is still a deal breaker. It's time to be a big boy, stop playing games and grow up. Just a little. 

And, while I am not having "relations" with anyone else, I am hanging out with Mr. B tomorrow after work, which I'm kind of excited about. I should feel blessed that even was able to space some of his beloved "free time" for me. (end sarcasm) I have to work a half day so we're going to get together afterwards until he has to work at 4. I considered my relationship with H over by now, so if you're wondering how I can justify this, well that's how. I'm not going to stay in something so unhealthy. I gave it my best shot and now it's time to move on. But really, why must everything be so complicated?

I watched Atonement tonight since I rented it this afternoon (I'm watching P.S. I Love You tomorrow afternoon!), talk about a heart breaking movie! I can't say that it's become my favorite, but it was a good one, and it was also pretty deep. It makes you really think about happily ever after, whether it's real or maybe just scripted, filled in for the critics. Well, it makes me think at least and it also seems to fit in just fine with the topic of the night. There were a lot of other things I thought about posting, but I'll save those for another night, I'm tired! 

It's tough out there..

In regards to life, relationships just tend to make things way more complicated then they ever need to be.

 I had a chat with Mr. H yesterday and he hung up on me, probably not his best decision seeing as he was already in the crapper, but that was his decision and I can't choose for him. He was aware of what he was doing, there is no "accidental disconnection" reasoning for this one. Yet, the fact that my phone has rang about 50 times today with him calling and me not answering tells me that he is really regretting his decision from the other night. Well, that's sad and all, but life goes on and I'm really not into game playing or any of that other crap, so I'm washing my hands of it. 

Mr. B has been calling the last couple days to say hi and that he misses me. We have tentative plans on Thursday for a couple hours, I told him as long as nothing comes up it should work out, which is cool- we're suppose to be taking it slow, I think? I guess? I suppose the one thing that really aggravates me is that he just likes having his free time, but he really misses me. Ah well, now that I say it here, it does sound pretty dumb on my part. Okay.. moving right along. 

But I guess what I'm getting at, is I wonder if things ever get at all easier? Does the frustration ever cease or is it always on going with one thing or another? I always thought that relationships were suppose to be easy, to not feel so much like work and maybe, when I think about it, that's the problem. All the Cinderella-esque fairy-tales have screwed up my relationship work ethic. I'm not exactly lazy when it comes to relationships either, but it just seems like things are so much harder then they need to be, or than they should be and I can't figure out what the secret is to it not being that way. 

Finally..

So, he finally called ...  after eight days. It almost doesn't even matter any more whether he did or didn't and to be completely honest, I would have preferred him to not have even bothered. What's the point now? He called me all day long and it wasn't until 8 o'clock that I finally decided to pick up the phone and listen to what he had to say. And that was only after talking it over with mom and getting some good old advice on the situation. She told me to answer it, at least hear what he has to say, regardless if it changes anything or not, just hear him out and so I did. Plus I figured that was the only way to get him to stop calling. But, I knew going into it what the outcome would be. And when I think about it, that could be a whole other issue to discuss, the problem of already having your mind made up when going into something. 

But, to be fair, there really wasn't anything that he could say to make the situation okay and I knew that. I thought about all the possible reasons for him not calling and like my dad told me regarding C's situation, (which applies to mine as well), any excuse he has is going to be a really good one because he's had all week to think about it. I'm usually pretty good at figuring out the reason behind people's actions after thinking about it for a while and I can tell you I hit this one right on the head, it was a pretty good excuse. But, the problem with it was that Mr. H knew what my response to his actions would be, we had discussed it before. Not just his not calling, but the issue that lead to his not calling. And it's not my place to talk about it, what he does is his business, but he knew the consequences that his actions would have, at least in regards to myself and any future we might have.

I firmly believe that you choose your actions. You might not choose the consequences, but you do choose your actions and unfortunately, if you don't think those actions through, well, you end up in the position he is now in. The part that really gets to me is that he wasn't at all sorry, he felt justified. And I might add that he was able to call his mother everyday, but not even have her forward anything on to me, and it's not like we've never talked on the phone, or hung out or anything, so there really was no reason for that. 

So with all things considered, there really wasn't too much for me to say. He didn't like my reaction and so he hung up on me. I can't quite figure that one out, but so be it. He once again chose his actions. But in his own defense, what did it matter at that point?, I made my mind up five days ago.

And it is what it is.

Anyway, Mr. B is back in town after taking a year hiatus to the midwest. I'm kind of excited to see what will come of this, if anything at all. I have some extra free time now so it could turn out to be a pretty good time, I'll let you know.

May Layout

I finally found a new layout for May. It's so cute, I might have to save it through June. I obviously had to find a pre-made one, I am just not that talented with code.. at all. 

Shopping <3

So today I went out shopping today. I wasn't really looking anything in particular, except for a couple things for my grandfather's birthday. CL went out with me in an attempt for me to keep her busy and her mind off of things with her crappy (ex) bf. I only semi succeeded in that, but totally succeeded in getting what I needed for a Gramps, and a couple extra things for myself. At T.J. Maxx I was having no luck other than finding some ABBA shampoo and condition. I was about to give up when I my eyes fell on a shirt similar to this one, but in black, and fell in love. 

It looks A LOT better on me, thankfully. This picture doesn't really do it justice. It was originally $120 and I got it for a mere $19.99. Sweet! It's beautiful and it fits in all the right places. We also went to the mall and checked out Old Navy. I've been looking for some summer jean skirts and I finally found a couple. I also found this shirt that I fell in love with (again). 

I definitely spent more than I had planned on spending today, but that happens sometimes. And, honestly, I didn't really any more clothes. However, I didn't buy a puppy so I think I'm doing okay. I did buy a bathing suit, but I returned it liek 30 minutes later. It was an impulse buy and even though I loved it and it fit great, I bet I can find it cheaper online, and if not, I'm sure it'll be on the clearance rack in the next couple weeks. I'll just have to keep an eye on it until then.