But, almost doesn't count.

As I was driving to work this morning, I was listening to Taylor Swift. I downloaded her self-titled album the other day because I really love a couple of songs and she really has a beautiful voice when you listen to it, but after really listening to these lyrics, I just wanted to cry.

"Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?
Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart,now?
Why would you wanna make the very first scar?
Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?"

I just don't understand this whole thing with Golfpro and how I can love someone this much and it means nothing. I know that sometimes love is not enough, but when is it finally going to be enough? 

I prayed the rest of the way to work. I have to put it in someone else's hands because I can't handle it myself and I know that He will take care of it as He's suppose to. It will all work out the way it should. I honestly believe that He has a wonderful plan for me and I just need to have faith. Some times when it's the hardest to keep the faith is when you need to have faith the most.

I didn't cry though. And not that I think there is anything wrong with crying, but I just don't want to. If by all means you want to cry, please do. I know that I will soon. I've put off dealing with this long enough and I know it's building and will be coming to head, regardless of how much I do pray. My heart does hurt, it is broken and I miss him so much, everyday. It's like this.. or it was, I guess... 

"And I don't try to hide my tears.
The secrets or my deepest fears.
Through it all nobody gets me like you do.
And you know everything about me.
You say you can't live without me.

When I'm with anybody else it's so hard to be myself.
Only you can tell.

That I'm only up when you're not down.
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground.
It's like no matter what I do.
Well you drive me crazy half the time;
the other half I'm only trying to let you know that what I feel is true.
And I'm only me
Who I wanna be
Well, I'm only me when I'm with you"

And I feel so lost and so not myself without him. I always have, but this time it's so much worse because I felt things this time around that I hadn't before. I really truly believed that I figured it out this time.. but I guess he didn't. I'm hanging in there though and I know part of this is PMS and I'll be fine by the end of the week. But, damn!

I didn't sleep well last night either. I just keep coughing all night long, every night. And last night was no different, it just didn't quit, no matter how many times I used my inhaler. So, tonight I took a lot of my narcotic prescription cough syrup. I have quite a bit left over from my respiratory infection back in March. This is heavy duty stuff, like wicked heavy. And I didn't measure it out. Oh, no. I took a swig. A swig! And I can definitely feel myself getting dizzy and seeing double. It feels so great, it feels like wonderful sleep. I'm going to sleep well tonight and even if I cough all night, I'll never know it and that's just fine by me! What's even better is that I'm off tomorrow too! I can enjoy it even more! YES!